life will be better in spring

Loneliness is a dark place. It’s like sitting in a room at night by yourself and feeling like this is eternity. It’s like being in a place with a thousand people but feeling invisible to every one of them. It’s like walking on a path without any directions, without any idea when it will end. Loneliness is feeling like you are meant to suffer alone; loneliness is suffering alone.

Loneliness is unnatural; human beings are to be in relationship. Loneliness is fear; there is no freedom in it. Loneliness is anxiety; worry its sister, uncertainty, its friend. Loneliness is endless wonder about endless wondering. Loneliness is cold with no hope for warmth but it is also unbearable heat. Loneliness is an awful paradox.

Loneliness is drowning in a sea or in a crowd of people. It is believing that your existence is insignificant; it is believing that you are meaningless to anyone and anything. Loneliness is tragedy; it is heartbreak and hardship and hurt. Loneliness is being covered in open wounds and scars that never heal. Loneliness is shame.

Loneliness is misery and sorrow; it is grieving with no hope. Loneliness is blinding and deafening. Loneliness is feeling unable. It is feeling discarded, unwanted, and unloved. Loneliness captivates nothing and no one. Loneliness is a bad dream but you cannot be awoken, you do not see the light of day.

Loneliness constricts the heart. Loneliness cripples the body and the mind and the soul. Loneliness is unconscious and numb. Loneliness is endless tears for change – any change that will tell you that you are alive. Because loneliness is dying at every moment; loneliness is death.

Loneliness – flee from it. Flee from it always.

credits: http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/what-loneliness-feels-like/

Loneliness is regret; those nights when you just replay all the hurtful words and actions, wishing you could take it all back. Loneliness is tragedy; it is the pinnacle of all negativity. Loneliness is poverty; you can have everything in the world but you have no one to share your sorrow and happiness with. Loneliness is directionless; you belong to nowhere. Loneliness is suffocating; because the very reason/person you are breathing for has died. Loneliness is a tumour; it starts from a minor heartache and then flows to every part of you.

Loneliness is when you read all of the above, and you realize this is the only and every thing of you.

credits: Life.

If anyone can ever see and feel the pain I'm holding within me, they will let me go, let me die. Gladly push me towards death's embrace even. If only. Death may not be the solution but did I even say I'm trying to find one? They don't know. Those who chide me and attribute this to a moment of folly. They don't understand. Or maybe i don't. They say I'm blinded by my own self delusioned sorrow. I know; I understand what they are trying to get at. But did they see me struggling, i have been trying my fucking best to break free of all these negativity. I REALLY AM. They say I'm not trying hard enough then. But do you know, the harder i try, the deeper i sink into it. It's like a web, the harder I struggle, the tighter it reins me in.

 I’m not suicidal, or clinically depressed, I just go into these fits sometimes(Actually, all the time) and I need this release.












They say pop the courage pill and go it all. Did she pop the lonely pill along too? She has a whole fist of courage, a lil too much in fact, ready to punch it all out. But, no one is there to take it all along with her. What's the point of going through all those breath taking sceneries of life, alone?



She desperately wants to break out of this mundane routine. She don't belong here. Perhaps she might not belong to the wilderness, but if you don't let her out, she'll continue resisting her fate and fightiing to break free.





Looking through my blog posts, I came to conclude that I'm linguistically inept. Fuck.

She said she will never forget this day. But what went wrong? Why is it that she can only see the things I have not done or done wrong, and not the effort I have put in and the things I tried to improve on? Each time she sends the entire house into another world war, I would go through yet again another emotion whirlpool. Fear, anger, pain, despair. And all that is left would be hopeless crying. I'm sorry, I can't be the perfect daughter. I'm sure you understand too. I'm sure you go through sleepless nights like me, thinking why did things turn out this way, wishing you could have done better as a mother, wishing that we could understand you and not blame you for whatever we are lacking of. So, why can't you understand me too? Each time you rage, I'll tell myself that you do understand me, you do know what I'm going through, you do love me, and everything you do to me, be it showering the rare affection or inflicting pain, is just your way of expressing your love. But you know, it's really hard to hold on.

What if I really made this day memorable for you? I really have the overwhelming desire to do it. Just close my eyes, take a leap of faith, and embrace Mother Freedom and Father Death. Yes, I've always thought that death and freedom comes together. And then, this day would really be unforgettable for you.

She's sorry she forgot the rules of the game.
She's sorry she can't play the game well.
Give her time, give her time.
Guess its too hard to play it cool after all.

She can feel it. You are too much like you. You are another you. Perhaps you will never admit it, but like you, you can't commit. Or at least, not to someone like her. History repeated. Perhaps not the same words, not the same person, but it carries the same significance. And when she finally realise the striking resemblance between you and you, she knows its time to slip back into the devil-may-care attitude before she's hurt again.

Tauntingly cold night. There's no one to pick up the shattered fragments and piece it back for me tonight. Its just me and my songs.

The songs/lyrics/songs/quotes shall say it all for me.

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His body shook violently from side to side blood and froth gurgled freely out of his mouth. He was writhing in pain, hands clasping onto his chest and his face was contorted in a picture of pure pain. Panic, bordering on hysteria, set in. She was caught off guard by this sudden relapse. She panicked, not knowing what to do yet afraid that touching him might further aggravate his pain. Time seemed to stretch into infinity before the ambulance arrived. 
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She sat on the swivel chair at the doctor’s desk, her hands gripping the soft black leather handles of the chair. The doctor sunk back into his huge brown leather chair, clearing his throat before he began to speak.
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"According to the scan results, he is suffering from xxxx whereby his heart valves are not able to perform their function due to serious blockage. There is no cure for…." She was no longer hearing the doctor. The pain that surged through her veins found its way to her heart, repeatedly stabbing it until she could no longer tolerate it. She felt total, pure disillusionment and her stomach churned in bitter bile. Why was this happening? Why, of all people, him? The fact sent an immense bang into her head, stabbing it with thousands of knifes.
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Still in a state of daze, she stumbled out of the room and to the intensive care unit. The constant beeping sound of the heart rate monitor was the only sound sharp enough to slice through the deadly silence that washed over the nauseating atmosphere.
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He laid stiffly, like a corpse if not for the steady rise and fall of his chest, across the hospital bed, white sheets pulled all the way to his chin, with lots of machines attached to him. He looked extremely vulnerable and fragile, that the slightest wind would blow him into pieces. My heart ached at the sight of this and wrenched in pain at each beeping sound. He had been so alive just a few hours ago.
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Memories of a happier age came charging like a red bull. Unable to contain her emotions, she felt her eyes clouding over. She sat on the small stool by the hospital bed, listening to his ragged breathing but not daring to look at his form. When she finally, reluctantly, brought her eyes to his still form, the laborious sigh that have been struggling to hold back finally escaped from the confines of her lungs.
The circumstances seemed so bleak, like they could not even hope for a ray of sunlight to break through.
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She felt so useless and helpless that she could not do anything, except to wait hopelessly. Where is hope, when she need it the most? She almost slapped herself for contemplating to end his life selfishly. Hope in reality is the worst of all evils, because it prolongs the torments of man.
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They came. His parents, siblings and all. Death which was supposed to separate them, brought them together instead. Irony. She wondered if they came with the mindset of attending a funeral. They must have secretly wished to get rid of this lifetime-disgrace son thru this chance.
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Everyone is praying. She's praying too, but she don't know what to pray for. She wonders, if he wants to live or leave. If he lives, the ordeals facing him would be worse than death. If he leaves, perhaps everything would turn out better for her. Maybe, maybe it's not that bad after all if he gives up. She loves him, that's why she wants him to leave. It's okay; she can take all the pain. However, if he lives, she's not sure, whether she can have the courage and perseverance to shoulder everything for him. So as she thought over it, she came to conclude that he should just go. Just go and never turn back.
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I have no idea what I am writing. I am just spilling everything that comes into my mind.


[Hope knows no limit to its endurance, its trust and it will never fade away: it outlast everything. Hope still stand when all else has fallen]



Serves the girl right. She's so undeserving of his love. She's so undeserving of all the blessings showered upon her. It's a night of uncontrollable tears; yet again. It's like something is pushing on her lungs, imaginary forces cupping her throat so tightly; When she tried to scream for help, instead of words, she get tears. She knows, she chose to plunge into the sea of regret. I can feel her anxiety as she struggled to keep her head high above the treacherous waters, as she stuggled between the fine line of holding on or giving up.

It's a night, when she can't trust herself with a knife.
It's a night, when even words can't bear the weight of her pain.
It's a night, when the entire world comes crashing down on her,
It's a night, when everything makes death seems such a easy way out.
It's a night, another ordinary night, another repetitive sequel to the previous gazillion nights.

Somehow, I cried along with the girl. I wish I could give her a hug, but she's so broken inside, so fragile, that I'm afraid at any touch, she would shatter into pieces.

OKAY WHY AM I GETTING SO EMOTIONAL OVER SOME SHIT MOPPY MELODRAMATIC SHOW.

It opens your chest,
and it opens up your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up.
You build up all these defenses.
You build up a whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you,
then ONE stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...
You give them a piece of you;
They didn't ask for it.
They did something dumb one day,
like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.

Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' or 'how very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love.

-Neil Gaiman.



I know of a girl who

- makes the same birthday wish every single year. But as she grew up, she learnt that that's why it's called a wish. Wishes, will remain as wishes.

-smiles even when her heart is broken, and tries to brighten up her friends' day even though she can't do the same for herself.

-flirts with guys, and act cool like she always does it. But hell no, she don't. It's just to make herself feel valued, but at the end of the day, she knows this is just plain cheap.

 -is in a love-hate relationship with her family. All her life she has been planning to escape. But when she's finally given the chance to, she choose to stay.

-can repeat one particular song the entire day and gets her heart shattering all over again each time she listens to it.

-wants to break down so desperately, yet she don't allow herself to cuz she know there are people out there suffering even worst treatment than her.

-always talks a lot, to make her friends feel at ease. Yet, she's so afraid that she's a nuisance.

-is pretty shameless about herself, self-praising herself always in front of her friends, but deep down, she's overconsumed by insecurities.

-badly wants to go crazy, sing all the songs in the world, dance her day away,love like never before, but the scars reminds her of the consequences she might have to face. And then, she became too afraid to step out of her comfort zone.

-revolts at the sight of her reflection, but still she will look into the mirror, just to make sure she looks at least decent.

-has a wadrobe of pretty clothes, but each time she tries the clothes on - tube dress, tank top, mini skirt - she goes hyperventilating. Those fat arms, rough thighs, straight waist line.

-genuinely thinks she's ugly, not for the sake of hearing reassurance from others; This thought is really deep rooted inside her.

-wants to be wanted.

-feels vey very inadequate.

-feels that her existence is superfluous.

And above all, I know of a girl, who's struggling, and still fighting.

Do you know the girl? Cuz this girl I know, is becoming a girl that I USED to know. I feel like I don't know her anymore.

We all have got that one song which feels as if it was written and sung for us. This song <3




Fleeting 4.5 months.
And we got back our JC2 term exams results. "Time flies" No,  flying is too much of a simplification at the pace my life is accelerating at right now. Looking back, I know there's so much that had happened. Yet, I just can't exactly remember them. I tried my best to recall but everything just comes rushing back like huge tidal waves and..I feel myself suffocating again. And when these waves retreat, bits and pieces of seashell memories were left behind.

Oral presentation.
Pulau ubin.
Huge scary wild dogs.
Maybank. 
Wedding.
Village.
Boundless beach.
Four walls of rustic wood.
Charcoal.
Selemat datang.

All these itsy-bitsy pieces of recollections are re-organising themselves into a mini mind map, and of course, after "Selamat datang", to sum whatever that happened afterwards : Screwed studies. Just allow me to use "screwed education system" as a facade to cover up what's really screwed. Me.

I just have this sudden urge to dedicate my heartfelt gratitude to all my loved ones. Oh wells ~ Shall keep it short though, 'cuz it's quite late already...







=






Secondary school friends Tianxiao, Eeling Nizam, Kaiqin etc: OMG. I KNOW I DESERVE GAZILLION SLAPS FOR ALWAYS IGNORING YOU GUYS. >:( I know it's hard to keep in contact with me cuz it takes two hands to clap. But I really hope you guys haven't give up hope on me :( I really feel truckloads of guilt when I thought of you ;( And NO, I didn't forget about your existence nor did I thought of forgoing our friendship. It's just that I am always too tired to reply.. I will get in touch with you asap when I really do have quality time to spend with you guys! Loveyou  loads <3







To the boy who: (: I express my gratitude towards your existence every single day, and I think I can never express enough. Gratitude is just a very very very generalized and vague description of what you are to me. I am so thankful of your presence, so thankful for everything you have done for me and how much you have went through and tolerated due to my willfulness. I have failed so much. My friends all think that I will never ignore your messages nor will I go missing without notifying you nor will I make you wait like I always do to them during outings nor will I flare up. But hell no. On the complete contary, I am always not replying you, going around without informing you and i made you wait for hours for countless times already. This treatment is so not what a special friend should be getting. But you still love me and accept me for who I am anyway. There's so much more I want to say, so much more I wish to tell you to show how much you meant to me. It's a never ending list so I shall just continue telling you personally everday ;) Loveyou <3 Thankyou for being the all-in-one in my life; family, Friend, Love, Bitching/Gossiping machine, Venting frustration tool etc.

There's so much more people I would like to dedicate to, so much more I want to tell my lovelies. But words aren't enough. In the first place, words are never close to expressing something so great so noble so affectionate like LOVE. But you guys get what I mean, I count all my blessings and thank all the lords above to bless me with such awesome and loving people in my life.

It's just the beginning. It's really true when people say the start is always the hardest. It really is, especially when you are starting from scratch. Failed; but I embrace this failure. It's okay. It's hard to ignore those mocking stares, those scornful criticism, those threats punctuated with kicks and air slaps. What doesn't kill me makes me stronger. I will fight on and emerge victorious at the end of this race. I can, I will, I must.



I survived, again. It's yet another miracle. Another opportunity. To set my life right back on the track and redeem all the promises I had made to my loved ones. This time, I will cherish this chance. Trust me. Watch me. I can; I will; I must.

It wasn't until post promos period had I understood the meaning behind this song. I thank my teacher for announcing that I am most likely retaining. The emotional turmoil i went thru these few weeks was indescribable. But I began to view life in a different perspective. I began to realise that results aren't everything. What's wrong with retaining? Retainees' aren't fucked up; It's the society's mindset that is screwed. ["For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."] This enlightenment even went to a point that I already accepted the fact that I am retaining. Of course, despite all these, when the reality is set before you, it's daunting. That overwhelming relief that swept thru me when i saw "ADVANCED"...I can feel my tears.Tears of appreciation. I thank Him, for He taught me how to fear, and then he relieved my fears, and this made me even more appreciative of the grace that he bestowed upon me. Thank You. Really. Truly. Sincerely.

OP in a few days time...Just a few more days. Gotta hang on. I just wish I can find the confident speaker wthin me back. Sigh.

Him:





[Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I'll be there
Anytime you whisper my name, you'll see
How every single promise I keep
Cuz what kind of guy would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most(like tonight)

What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times ( 给我的承诺是即兴的嘛。。。)
Then they don't
When it's love
Yeah, you say them out loud
Those words, They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone

And I know an angel was sent just for me
And I know I'm meant to be where I am
And I'm gonna be
Standing right beside her tonight
And I'm gonna be by your side
I would never leave when she needs me most (but you left)

What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then they don't
When it's love
Yeah, you say them out loud
Those words, They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone

Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I'll be there
And I'm gonna be here forever more
Every single promise I keep
Cuz what kind of guy would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most

I'm forever keeping my angel close]
And tonight I just can't stop listening to this song. This time, I told you. I said I can't sleep. Frankly. Desperately. I know you are tired. Goodnight then. Just don't make any promises to stay by my side when I need you the most.

为什么每个人劝我不要把内心的针扎与痛苦收藏在心里 要我与他们分享。。可是当我终于鼓起勇气说出了心里话 你们当初答应过会陪在我身边的承诺 全都通通作废？他  她 他们 都一样的。证明我当初反驳你们的立场 证明了我当初为什么宁愿选择把自己的心情隐藏起来 更加证明了谁谁谁说过要在我最需要他们的时候一定会陪我度过这一切。。都是在说空话。  可是也要感激你们。。因为你们 我渐渐地学会怎么再一次地把我的心封锁。。

I love Chinese (: As in blogging in Mandarin. It's such a beautiful language.. ^^ I loathe the idea of studying it though. I think education destroys the essence of languages.

Promos is over. Getting back results on.....SIGH. I am not being some emo pessimist shit, but I am tuning myself to embrace the idea of retaining...I don't deserve decent/promotable grades for the lil effort I have invested...

PW. PW. PW. PW. Hell yeeah my life is so consumed with PW ): It's not a life to even speak of. PW is really pointless, useless, worthless. But despite saying this, I still need to ace for it! :P I mean MOE's perception of PW is way in contrast with the students and the importance they place in it...Well, guess I have to accept my fate.. GAWD. Just want to get over PW and....I don't know. Lol.

I miss you a lot. If a hug can represent the intensity of my longing for you, I can hold you forever in my arms. This is some cheesy shit but wtv. Lol. Sigh, but why aren't you here.. i wouldn't have slept if you were still awake. No matter how tired I am. This selfish part of me wish you would do the same for me. But..then, I still want you to sleep. SIGH.This few nights...I really need you. But you aren't here with me. You choose the bed over me. Lol. I don't know what to make of that. sorry..就这几晚 就这几晚 让我有如此幼稚又不体谅你的想法。。对不起。。。。

有多少次你不顾一切地来看我来陪我 我知道的 可是我真的不知道最近到底是怎么了 怎么会怪你呢  怎么会说你没搭到承诺呢 我知道 我真的知道 我没忘记 也不会忘记 对不起 我最近说做的一切让你失望了吧 就拿我上一段所说的话 还有前几段的说你没陪我的话 这些话 你看了肯定很失望吧 对不起 就连我自己都对自己很失望。。对不起。。。

so as i typed this post, i came to conclude one thing : I really love you. <3



HALO. I am here to water this wilting plant of mine ~

The deranged workload for these two months impressed me by showing how limitless my sanity can stretch. I have been praying so earnestly that I would go over the cliff of sanity and into the abyss of insanity. But it seems like years of military-like life under my mum has sharpened my endurance way stronger than my determination to breakdown.

Sigh. It seems like just yesterday when I was distressed over terms. Now? Promos. Why is it that time is what we want the most, yet what we use worst? Common test was a total flop. My straight Aces goal is at the other extreme end. My procrastinating nature is controlling me like a puppet, entangling the strings of my life. So, now, I am just a wretch lil soul who lost her directions. Since when did this become habitual? I mean, as if getting lost has become my daily routine. And it feels like I did it on purpose…

You know that feeling when you’re just waiting, waiting to get home into your room, close the door, fall into bed, and just let out everything that you have kept in all day? Nothing is wrong, but nothing is right either, and you’re tired, tired of everything, tired of nothing, and you just want someone to be there and tell you it’s okay, but no one’s going to be there. And you know you have to be strong for yourself because no one can fix you. But you’re tired of waiting, tired of having to be the one to fix yourself and everyone else, tired of being strong, and for once, you just want it to be easy, to be simple, to be helped, to be saved, but you know you won’t be, but you’re still hoping and you’re still wishing and you’re still staying strong and fighting with tears in your eyes. You’re fighting.

Decided to post on of my essays ~ One of the stories that I think is my best work. ^^

What is justice? In the oxford dictionary "justice" is defined as "being just: fair treatment". However, in their worlds, justice was non-existence.


She emitted a perfidious aura as she sashayed into the room. Her dress looked as if it was deliberately cut right below her buttocks, malevolent men trying their best to sneak a peek. Revolting men were hoping she was the promiscuous sort - her dress obviously showcasing that fact. His mind was in vertigo as he gazed at her sheer beauty - her figure was immaculate in every way. His eyes were transfixed on her ethereal-like face - her mirthful crescent eyes emitted an atmosphere of euphoria. As she sashayed past him, his strong frame turned frail - petrified and astounded by her overwhelming beauty.


Like how a predator observes its prey, she eyed him and watch how he stole looks at her, how he tries his best to appear inconspicuous. She bent down. The angle was perfect: his eyes would roam onto her but his focus will be on -- elsewhere. She pushed her hair back, so that he would get a better view.


"Where is it?" she stood up; her eyed still scanning the floor. "did anyone..did anyone see a wallet.." her voice trailed off. Flustered, worried, and angry: the perfect emotions to draw hua attention and melt his heart. "It’s a brown Gucci..."


"What happened?"


Finally, she lifted her head upon hearing his voice. He looked exactly like the perfect student union leader in university: a short spiky hairdo, chiseled jaw line, suntanned skin and an ensemble of branded goods - an Armani exchanges shirt paired with Levi’s jeans.


She, on the other hand, fit right into the image of the freshman he had always fantasized about in school every day.


"Forget it. Forget it!" she thrusted all her fingertips into her long wavy hair. “It is already a bad enough day. To top it off, there is not a single cent on me to get a cab home!"


Perfect. The events that followed on fell according to his plan. Or rather, her plan. He immediately seized the golden opportunity to send her back home.


Today her name was “xxxx". Before stepping out of her home today, before going out to hunt for her prey, she had already crafted a complete new image of herself: a poor lonely soul who was just ditches by her boyfriend, an orphan since young. The ideal image to fit into the story of the hero saving a damsel in distress. This was her fifth hundred and sixteenth image. The moment she saw him as she entered the pub, she can see it in his eyes, that he was the one she was looking for. The man who have the hidden Courage within him, waiting for someone or something to ignite the spark.


The moment they stepped into her empty flat, he wasted no time. The feeling was mutual; it was obvious what both of them wanted. After they had finished, there seemed to be an deadly silence, like a prelude of what was going to happen. She hesitated on which script to use. After a minute, she dropped her head on the sofa and said, "There’s something I need to tell you." and then she stared at the fruit knife in the coffee table. Today, it shall finally serve its purpose.


"Do you really think you are the predator, in this pathetic game of predation? Well, I am HIV-positive." when she saw how his facial expression changed, she knew it. She knew that after hundreds of men, this man would end it all for her. Like how a predator hunts for its prey, she plotted a strategy: a strategy to kill the beast. Within her soul, a strategy to end it all, to end her. He shall be her azrael- the angel of death-who will slay the beast.

Enmity enveloped his heart as Hades' flames surrounded his soul - how could she do this to him? A deluge of hatred-filled tears moistened the cemented floor as he clenched his fist in burning fury - fury he never thought had existed in him. His soul was cascaded in a wave of indignation as he shook in my seat - as if Lucifer himself had taken over his will. his mind was filled with malevolence - cruel ways that he could use to torture her very being.


She closed her eyes and her lips curled into a smile, a smile that depicts triumph.


His imperturbable nature was taken over by an indignation he never thought had existed in him. The Lucifer residing in him was unleashed when he saw that smile of victory on her porcelain like face. He grabbed the knife in the table and shoved it so fast towards her; it all took place in just a split second. The blade stabbed right through her chest smoothly, as if there was already a groove in them.


The blade, it came. It came towards her, finally. She did not scream, even though the pain was overwhelming. Flashbacks of her misery came charging like a red bull. The mockery she has suffered, the discrimination she has faced everywhere, simply because her mother was a prostitute and HIV-positive. Everyone dictated her life based on her background, even though she was tested HIV-negative, no one believed her. She used to break down, then she started to break others. Many men could not escape from the clutches of temptation, which eventually drove them to insanity.


"I just want to tell at least one person the truth, before the end comes..."She said, struggling with her words. "I am HIV-negative…I was never HIV-positive..I just want to spread the stigma, not the virus. I just want to spread the...fear."


What is justice? Justice is about fighting for you: just yourself. In their world, lady justice does not do her job; they do her job.

Yea, this is one of my proudest piece ever ~ storyline adapted from low kay hwa’s novel btw. ^^ love the twist ~

So much has happened over the past few months. >< 真是一言难尽啊 haha. Omg, Chinese :O influenced by him I guess. Gawd, I ought to stop conversing in Mandarin... ENGLISH SHOULD BE MY PRIORITY. Argh, Fuck GP. I mean I am pretty much in love with English. But GP is extinguishing my passion for English -.- I abhor GP. When an enjoyment become a burden.. Exams are unnecessary, waste of our precious time; wreck both the physical and emotional environment and absolutely an understatement of our capability. If one manages to score well in exams, it just shows that he good in the subject. ONLY. It doesn’t show anything else of relation to our life. Someone who scores perfectly well in exams may not even comprehend the simplest logic of life. Exams stifle our intelligence. It fulfills the opposite of its supposed purpose.

Ok, done ranting. Back to REALITY. Nothing I said above can revert the situation I am stuck in now. So promos is just a couple of days away. And, I have not started my revision yet. I have no hell idea what I was doing this September hols. I felt bored, and guilty. Yet the voice in me is screaming: I need a breather!!! The irony ~ oh wells; the anxiety in me is inexpressible thru words. All I know is that for every single second, I am suffocating. Maybe I should get an inhaler, literally.

I really don’t know who to turn to. Everyone’s leading their own lives and it’s just so difficult and awkward for me to interrupt them with redundant emotional shit.

Tonight, he has his convocation, filming or whatever busy stuff. I don’t know how to tell him that I am in pain. That I am breaking to pieces all over again.

She, too, is breaking into pieces. I should be picking up the pieces with her, and not adding on to her burden.

So many others loved ones, but that’s the point. I can’t bear to draw them into my painful world. What’s the point? All they can do is to throw words of comfort and leave me hanging there. or even worst, my story might spoil their perfectly fine day. They might have finally got thru one day without feeling bad and talking to me will dampen their spirits. There’s just so much I have to take in consideration when I want to find someone to talk to. And, in the end, I end up telling no one and cry to myself in late nights.

I don't want to feel ugly anymore. I don't want to wake up in the morning and look in the mirror just to find another revolting reflection. I don't want to change seven times because I look unattractive in half my clothes. I don't want to worry about if I ran out of makeup because if I didn't wear any I'd look disgusting. I don't want to constanty feel the need to look in a mirror, not out of vain, but to make sure I'm at least decent looking and not ugly like I know I really am. I don't want to go into Facebook look through pictures of his ex/girl whom he liked before, and go thinking that how can he even fall for me? And wish that I couldbe as attractive as them. I don't want to question if I should eat that day or not because it might miraculously help me drop 1 kg? I want to be beautiful. I want to be naturally attractive and have a gorgeous body. I want to wake up and feel confident that I'm pretty. I hate having this body/looks, but more than anything, I loathe and abhor having this low self esteem. -adapted from tumblr.

Dear brain, can you please give me and yourself a break? Stop allowing those thoughts to run wild into the wrong direction. Stop speculating. Stop asking. Stop blaming. Stop thinking about EVERYTHING. ‘Cuz you are breaking my heart again. Ripping in into parts again. And though it is called heartbreak, it feels like every part of my body is in pain.

Yoo-hoo. It has been a gazillion years since I updated this blog. Oh no, centuries will be a better word. Well, can I just push all the blame to my JC? The hardcore curriculum, the intensive CO practices, and the abyss of homework I am drowning in. Given all that, if I still had the time to update this blog, it’s a miracle. Yep, so tonight shall be a miracle (: teehehe.

OH HELL YEAH. If you had already noticed, I am still in CO. haha; I seriously have no idea why I made this choice. Most of my friends thought it was my love for cello. Initially yes. But ACCO’s cello is a full house. FULLHOUSE. Sucks to be me. Lol. And so….i am in zhongruan! Aka Chinese guitar! ^^ SIGH. SO IT’S NOT LOVE FOR CELLO. But it’s ridiculous to say…. love for co? I never ever loved CO. It’s an universally known fact ~ Guess it’s the familial love I loved the most. The surge of warmth whenever I think of CO, how flames of motivation surrounds me whenever I am dispirited and how I swell with pride songs after songs played (: Tough the journey may be, but I know I will turn out stronger. I know, this family is here for me always. Or at least I hope so.

Life’s been a mad rush over these few months. I can’t believe it has been incredibly 4 months since school started in February. Not a single day had I ever slept before 12am. Look at the time now. Sigh. I wish to stop this insomnia cycle too. I wish to sleep too. It’s not like I spend my precious sleep on worthy work such as school work or in books. I spend it on…right. I have no hell idea where I spent it on. Fantastic me. But whatever is, I am still proud of myself for having gone so far. 4months may seem like chicken feets to many of them; it’s not to me though. 4months, so many things has happened. SO FUCKING MANY. Life was a total bullshit; it still is now. There’s a saying that goes: Life will swell after hell. Or did I come up with that myself? Fat hope. I really believe in this. We all do. It has proven true time and again, when we find ourselves smiling at the end of the arduous climb.

Oh wheeee, did I mention? I got two gold in like just simply 2 months of my AC life? Something that JSS could never ever grant me. Face it yeah. The first gold, the historic moment of my life, 0909511, ACCO got Gold! It might not be much of a big deal to many, but who cares so long it is to me! :D I’ve worked so hard to reach this goal, of course, with the unity of ACCO. The sense of achievement, satisfaction, is still lingering in the wells of my heart. The second gold, hoo-ha, Napha! LOL. My standing broad jump has always been a F/E/D at most, hence, I am always stuck at silver or mostly bronze -.- BUT AC ‘s PE teachers’ are a whole lot of professionals. They did not allow me to give up. They helped me. And I made it. 155 – 175. 20 freaking cm. holy cows. Heh, whoever’s reading might just be snorting at this. But I am really happy to overcome this barrier (:

IF. I am saying IF. If I met my target of straight As for A Levels, or maybe say, at least 5As, 2Bs, you know what? I will loudly proclaim you to be the award recipient. Not me. It will be you, who pushes me forward to this dream. Like how you always does for my previous goals.

OHOHOH. TERMS ARE COMING. WISH ME LUCK. I WOULD BE NEEDING IT ALOT MANZ. HEH. EXCITED MUCH :)

This ain’t love honey ~

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

hi there! ;D haha, hopefuly i can keep this blog going (: well, life's pretty full of highs recently. YAY! had been going out with terrence lately. haha, so fun! went to west coast park, the weather is so hot :O played ball and kite flying ^^ another day we went to settlers cafe ^^ haha, laughed till my stomach ache :P interesting games and all. some of the dares were pretty LOL. teehehe, escaped all the retard dares (; went to 'movie under the stars' or whatever that is, cool and sweee, 500days of summer was really nice. kinda reminds me of myself ~

knew our class alr. its a new start again. *laughs* so used to such stuff, new beginnings environment and stuff. well, the old me would have grunted complained and mulled over it. but now, i have learnt to go with the flow and make the best out of eveything (; patricia is in the same class! ;D *jumps wildly* haha, was rather surprised cuz we took diff comb (: its FATED babe! ;P hahaha. looking forward to new class (;

you know those times, when you know doing something is gonna hurt you, and you still do it? well, I never learn my lesson. just love the way i keep asking reality for a slap

i fell in love with a stranger -hearts- perhaps life will be happier this way, or so it seems ~