life will be better in spring
Behind this smile
Friday, April 20, 2012 || 9:35 AM
His body shook violently from side to side blood and froth gurgled freely out of his mouth. He was writhing in pain, hands clasping onto his chest and his face was contorted in a picture of pure pain. Panic, bordering on hysteria, set in. She was caught off guard by this sudden relapse. She panicked, not knowing what to do yet afraid that touching him might further aggravate his pain. Time seemed to stretch into infinity before the ambulance arrived.
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She sat on the swivel chair at the doctor’s desk, her hands gripping the soft black leather handles of the chair. The doctor sunk back into his huge brown leather chair, clearing his throat before he began to speak.
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"According to the scan results, he is suffering from xxxx whereby his heart valves are not able to perform their function due to serious blockage. There is no cure for…." She was no longer hearing the doctor. The pain that surged through her veins found its way to her heart, repeatedly stabbing it until she could no longer tolerate it. She felt total, pure disillusionment and her stomach churned in bitter bile. Why was this happening? Why, of all people, him? The fact sent an immense bang into her head, stabbing it with thousands of knifes.
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Still in a state of daze, she stumbled out of the room and to the intensive care unit. The constant beeping sound of the heart rate monitor was the only sound sharp enough to slice through the deadly silence that washed over the nauseating atmosphere.
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He laid stiffly, like a corpse if not for the steady rise and fall of his chest, across the hospital bed, white sheets pulled all the way to his chin, with lots of machines attached to him. He looked extremely vulnerable and fragile, that the slightest wind would blow him into pieces. My heart ached at the sight of this and wrenched in pain at each beeping sound. He had been so alive just a few hours ago.
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Memories of a happier age came charging like a red bull. Unable to contain her emotions, she felt her eyes clouding over. She sat on the small stool by the hospital bed, listening to his ragged breathing but not daring to look at his form. When she finally, reluctantly, brought her eyes to his still form, the laborious sigh that have been struggling to hold back finally escaped from the confines of her lungs.
The circumstances seemed so bleak, like they could not even hope for a ray of sunlight to break through.
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She felt so useless and helpless that she could not do anything, except to wait hopelessly. Where is hope, when she need it the most? She almost slapped herself for contemplating to end his life selfishly. Hope in reality is the worst of all evils, because it prolongs the torments of man.
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They came. His parents, siblings and all. Death which was supposed to separate them, brought them together instead. Irony. She wondered if they came with the mindset of attending a funeral. They must have secretly wished to get rid of this lifetime-disgrace son thru this chance.
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Everyone is praying. She's praying too, but she don't know what to pray for. She wonders, if he wants to live or leave. If he lives, the ordeals facing him would be worse than death. If he leaves, perhaps everything would turn out better for her. Maybe, maybe it's not that bad after all if he gives up. She loves him, that's why she wants him to leave. It's okay; she can take all the pain. However, if he lives, she's not sure, whether she can have the courage and perseverance to shoulder everything for him. So as she thought over it, she came to conclude that he should just go. Just go and never turn back.
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I have no idea what I am writing. I am just spilling everything that comes into my mind.
[Hope knows no limit to its endurance, its trust and it will never fade away: it outlast everything. Hope still stand when all else has fallen]